Admiring Silence Read online

  For Sarah and Leila

  by the same author

  MEMORY OF DEPARTURE

  PILGRIMS WAY

  DOTTIE

  PARADISE

  BY THE SEA

  DESERTION

  THE LAST GIFT

  Contents

  by the same author

  PART ONE

  1

  2

  3

  4

  PART TWO

  1

  2

  3

  PART THREE

  1

  2

  About the Author

  Also available by Abdulrazak Gurnah

  PART ONE

  ‘he is an admirer of silence in the island; broods over it like a great ear; has spies who report daily; and had rather his subjects sang than talked.’

  R. L. Stevenson, ‘The King of Apemama’, In the South Seas (1890)

  1

  I have found myself leaning heavily on this pain. At first I tried to silence it, thinking it would go and leave me to my agitated content. That it would linger for a season, a firm reminder of the disquiet that lurks and coils below the surface of the stubbornly self-gratifying vision of our lives. Far from going, it became more clear, more precisely located, concrete, an object that occupied space within me, cockroachy, dark and intimate, emitting thick, stinking fumes that reeked of loneliness and terror. When I woke up in the morning, I groped for it, then sighed with plunging recognition as I felt it stirring inside me, alive and well. Emma said it was indigestion or something similar, but I could see from the surprised anxiety in her eyes that she did not believe that. For a few weeks she persuaded me to try a variety of powders and tablets, and she began to read about special diets, and acidity and roughage and vitamins. Emma was like that with problems. She gave them her careful attention, at least for a while. We never got to try the special diets, some of which sounded fine, because every morning I could feel the beast in there getting stronger.

  So I went to see my doctor in the end. I became afraid for my pitiful life and went to see my doctor. You can say that in England. My doctor. Here everyone has a doctor all to themselves. Who sits on a swivel chair behind a big desk, flanked by medical books and a neat tray of tools. Whose surgery, including the curtained corner concealing the examining table, is lit by lamps thoughtfully angled to avoid straining the patients’ eyes. I explain this for the benefit of my less fortunate brethren and their females, their sisters and mothers and aunts who have to mute their voices and blather platitudes to appear normal and solicitous of family honour. I mean the poor sods who live in the darker corners of the world and who have to camp in the sun and rain for days, buffeted by tornados and dust-storms, waiting to have a gangrenous limb amputated, or receive an antidote jab for snake-bite, or even some anti-bacterial cream for their festering wounds or just to treat a touch of sunburn. The idea of having your own doctor might sound like an impossible fantasy to them.

  Here it’s different. Health care from the first to the last day of life, delivered with courtesy and consideration in spacious clinics set out for the patient’s comfort and convenience, and all of it free. And if it’s not really free, then it feels like that. It’s a small comfort which was not won without a struggle but which England now allows herself after the ages of toil and the centuries of hardship it took to build her beautiful ruins. Just stand on the banks of the Thames anywhere between Blackfriars Bridge and Westminster Bridge and look north, and see if your heart is not filled with awe at the labour that has gone into constructing that: the huge spires and great offices and colonnaded vaults and sprawling cloisters and rich pavilions and prim mansions and gilded bridges festooned with lights. Then let your eye wander farther afield, and there are the factories and warehouses and mechanized farms and model towns and chapels, and museums bursting with booty from other people’s broken histories and libraries sprawling with books congregated over centuries. If you compare that to any one of the seething cesspits that pass for cities in the dark places of the world, and take into account the dedicated exertion that made it possible, then as small a comfort as your own doctor does not seem over-indulgent.

  The ruins are one of the many things which make England a nation, along with a certain over-confident, hedonist cynicism which passes for sophistication and street-wisdom. Because the England of those ruins does not exist any more. Not that one, ask anybody. Not the England which was luminous in the dark, and which gave the world the steam railway and the Greenwich Meridian and penicillin, all invented by Scots in exile. Not the England whose stories of the world brought us into being. It’s Britain and the United Kingdom now, and the looming Holy European Empire, despite the loud protests of some in England’s ancient colonial provinces, who see this apparent transformation as a fluid ruse to keep them in the same historical bondage which has lasted for generations. People even flinch guiltily when they say England, afraid that others will think them ranting, nationalist, racist fascists. And when her murky, free-booting history comes up for observation, Scots and Irish voices quietly forgive themselves for their part in those rousing adventures, and remind anyone interested of their own deprivations under England’s colonial heel. The only parts of England that can be spoken about with a free, liberal conscience are her countryside or one of her many struggling sports teams, which are a constant source of joyful loathing and contempt – although this is liable to turn to demented cockiness and euphonious hyperbole when an unexpected triumph comes to pass.

  Anyway, after all those austere ages of exertion and strife, just when the fatigued people were about ready to sit back and watch the play of light on the shrubs and the water, to unnotch the sword-belt, attend to the sweetly singing zephyrs and relish the fecund fruit of their endeavours, all at once a crowd, a host of strange people set up a clamour outside the walls. Every age and every town and hamlet has its madmen, its lepers, its outcasts, its itinerant tinkers and reclusive sages, but how did such a crowd get to be here? How did they all end up here? Yes, of course we know how. But why could they not be satisfied with the knowledge their voyage to Europe would inevitably have brought them, however monstrous the events that might have made the journey necessary? Knowledge as an end in itself! Why could they not marvel and delight in the ideal? And what’s wrong with a little detachment and a certain dignity in bearing in the face of adversity? What’s wrong with being like Pocahontas?

  This is what was said of her. She was an Algonquian princess, daughter of their King Powhatan. The events of her story concern the planting – sweet word – of the English colony in Virginia, in the days of Good Queen Bess and her successor Jimbo Stuart. John Smith, the English hetman of the operation, was captured while out on reconnaissance – checking out the odds on a small ethnic-cleansing project he had in mind – and was handed over to Powhatan. After being feasted and fed for several days (guess what for), he was invited to place his head on a rock, while around him stood various noble Algonquian specimens with clubs in their hands. Pocahontas threw herself on the Englishman, placing her head on top of his and therefore preventing his death. It was a moment to be repeated again and again in stories of imperial adventure: the beautiful native princess is smitten senseless by the European knight and recklessly risks everything for love. But Pocahontas was there first. It comes as a shock to discover that Pocahontas was only eleven years old when she did this, precocious little devil. In due course, she crossed over to the English Colony (she was taken captive when she was eighteen years old), and obligingly revealed the daily daring treacherous plans of the Algonquians to attack the English. Soon after that she was baptized Rebecca and was married to an Englishman. Rebecca: be thou the mother of thousands of millions, and let thy seed possess t
he gate of those that hate them. But an even more hazardous journey lay ahead of her than this first passage into civilization. Her husband took her to England, where she was fêted as a noble native curiosity, then died soon after in Gravesend in Kent, a clammy, swampy cloaca on England’s nether end and a long way from Virginia. Perhaps she would have done better to stay at home instead of inserting herself into stories of Empire. Yet nobody reported her complaining about it.

  But not so this strange crowd, who seem unable to sustain their calm or dignity, or even just to act with an uncomplicated, restrained exoticism. They wave their flimsy contracts and spit out their sad stories, yelling and bellowing with rage. They want more space in newspapers, they grumble when no one reads their endless books, and they demand time on TV. The stories they tell, so many accusations! The claims they make, for Heaven’s sake! Nothing seems to subdue them and it is impossible to know what they mean. History turns out to be a bundle of lies that covers up centuries of murderous rampage around the globe – and guess who the barbarians are supposed to be. The most gentle of stories are interpreted as cunning metaphors that turn them into beasts and sub-humans, miserable creatures and slaves. Even their evident brutalities against each other can always be blamed on something else: slavery, colonialism, Christianity, a European education, anything but their own unmasterable greed, or their unregulated violence, or their artful dodges to escape the burden of having to do anything about anything. The law’s against them, employers spurn them, banks discriminate against them. Such rantings!

  And they barge in on the doctors as well, baring their grotesque lumps and their gaping sores. The doctors do not even wince as they palpate these ancient wounds, some swelling under diseased skins, some running and dribbling potent whey. I think of doctors like that: impossibly empirical and programmatic, handling flesh which exhales grievance and then writing a little chit to banish the pain away.

  My doctor smiled, a young man in a bright white shirt, with fairish brown hair and deep blue eyes, the kind of man you would find running the world from whichever angle you squinted at it. I imagined him getting wearily into his Range Rover after work to go to his pretty wife in their comfortable house in a pleasant suburb. The moment he turns the engine off in his gravelled drive, he is swamped by the adoration of his bouncing progeny (eleven-year-old girl and nine-year-old boy, I guessed) and perhaps an affectionate blonde collie. Maybe the wife is expecting another child, a belated third to regenerate the youthful love that their first two so completely symbolize.

  Anyway, he smiled and then sighed contentedly, stretching out his six-foot frame in the comfortable swivel chair. ‘Now then, how can I help you?’ He drummed and poked my chest, and listened to it with a far-away, quizzical look in his eyes, and then could not help squeezing the small tyre that had recently wrapped itself round my midriff. Though what he expected that to emit I don’t know. A squeak, a forbidden curse, a dribble of homogenized pus, an involuntary thrashing of atrophied muscle, what? I stood silently while he kneaded my smouldering flesh, pinching and squeezing, and cracking his knuckles on my bony plates. Then, frowning, he told me that my heart was buggered. I could have told him that, truly. It was what I was here to tell him, but I sat in respectful silence while he went through his lines.

  Something about my manner or appearance must have made him think I had been to a public school. It wasn’t just because of the brusque male bonhomie of that buggered. He asked me about what kind of grub I was prone to and whether I had any particularly unusual whims. The only people I could imagine calling food grub and speaking of trangressions as whims were readers of comics and men who had been to public schools – though this is only a guess and the experience of life from which it is drawn is inevitably circumscribed and limited. I told him I liked green bananas and smoked monkey for breakfast. He seemed taken aback by this for a moment, no doubt surprised that I had no problems with supplies, but then he nodded in recognition. He was getting to me. I considered saying that, as a whim, I often wanked the monkeys off before I chucked them into the gas barbecue – for some reason this improved the texture of the flesh – but I was afraid he might slap me on the wrong shoulder and put me in the hands of the jinn with a stop-watch in his left hand and a sword in his right, the huge, bearded fellow who says, You’ve got one more year to live and then your life belongs to me. I needed his goodwill. I didn’t want him provoked into malign prophecies. The doctor gave me a soundless grin, perhaps to let me know that he was on to me, and with a frown and a stare he set off again. The more he talked the worse he made me feel, as if I was a slow child or a palsied ancient who had lost hearing and speech, as if I was an uncomprehending native.

  ‘Afro-Caribbean people have dickey hearts,’ he said, smiling to give me courage at such a distressing time, ‘and they are prone to high blood pressure, hypertension, sickle-cell anaemia, dementia, dengue fever, sleeping sickness, diabetes, amnesia, choler, phlegm, melancholy and hysteria. You really should not be surprised at this state you find yourself in. These are all diseases for which no known cure exists, of course, but there’s no need to panic whatsoever. No need to throw your wicket away, if I may use an apt metaphor. Now let’s see. When was it you first had problems with your heart? Is there a history of broken hearts in your family? You really mustn’t worry. You only have a mild problem, I think, something not entirely unexpected of someone of your age and race, but I’ll send you to a specialist who will run tests to confirm my diagnosis. If you find yourself distressed by this, remember that there are very good counselling services available at the health centre which will help you adjust to this current situation. Do you pay for yourself or are you on private insurance? We could’ve arranged the tests much more quickly if you were on private insurance. There’s no need for panic though, do you understand?’

  Of course, after all this drama I did not have the heart to tell him that I was not Afro-Caribbean, or any kind of Caribbean, not even anything to do with the Atlantic – strictly an Indian Ocean lad, Muslim, orthodox Sunni by upbringing, Wahhabi by association and still unable to escape the consequences of those early constructions. I swallowed all those incurable diseases with a stoical gulp and an inward sneer at his smug ignorance. He didn’t mention Aids, for example, which has its headquarters in our part of the world, probably because we seem unable to restrain ourselves from having relations with monkeys. I suppose I could have put him right, but just then I felt like showing solidarity with my brethren. They couldn’t help their afflictions, so why mock? Anyway, if I had told him, he might have lost confidence in his diagnosis, and might have started his kneading and pounding all over again, and asked for blood tests and mercury cures or whatever it is they do nowadays to test out their theories on degenerating races. I did not think I could bear that. My body felt bruised and feverish enough already.

  He didn’t mean Afro-Caribbean people anyway. He meant darkies, hubshis, abids, bongo-bongos, say-it-loud-I’m-black-and-I’m-proud victims of starvation and tyranny and disease and unregulated lusts and history, etc. You know, my race. I could see he approved of my respectful silence, because he smilingly issued his prohibitions and instructions, wagging his finger now and then to warn me off naughty temptations.

  I didn’t know whether to tell Emma as soon as she came home or to wait until the specialist had done all his tests and put his imprimatur on my faltering heart. But the specialist might not have time to see me for months, or something might go wrong with the post when the hospital got round to fixing the appointment, or a machine might break down during the consultation, requiring a further visit. Anything could happen. Really, I knew I would have to tell her right away – I always told her everything. And anyway, how would I explain giving up my three rums and three cigarettes when I got in from work, as the doctor had demanded? It’s usually the happiest hour of my life, faithfully repeated every day except for such rare catastrophic times as parents’ evenings or holidays. Three rums and three fags, one after the other, unti
l all of life seems to last only the few minutes behind and ahead of me, and everything else turns into impotent gurglings in a far ditch. Emma had had to learn to ignore me during my hour, because if she spoke to me I moved away . . . out on to the fire escape, on to the tiny and unsafe ornamental balcony, anywhere to escape her. Sometimes she was unable to contain herself and followed me regardless, bursting with stories of abuses she had suffered at work or on the Underground. After unburdening herself, her resentment at my evasions and what she called my spineless egotism then made her begin an assault on the author of all her misfortunes, which is how several of our conversations ended. Fair is fair, perhaps not without cause. I’ve received enough colonial education to be sporting on such matters.

  What was there to tell anyway that would not already have been evident to her from those early descriptions of the pain lodged in my chest? But I knew she was going to put on her long face and look glum, and even weep – then cheer herself by plotting and planning the changes in our lives as if we were off on holiday somewhere and all the arrangements were in her hands, which they usually were and which was where I was happy to let them be. Of course that was not how I expected, hoped she would react. I imagined that she would be silent and devastated for a moment, and then envelop me with affection and warmth, take our clothes off and make gentle love to me for hours. She is capable of that. I know.

  So there was no helping it. I would tell her as soon as she came in. I couldn’t hide a thing like giving up three rums and three cigarettes. I considered not giving them up, of course – then she wouldn’t know and I wouldn’t have to explain anything – but that just seemed spinelessly egotistical and deceptive. I hate deception. Also, the sooner I told her the better for me, because she could then tell Amelia, our daughter, and we could get that over with as well. I have to tell you about my daughter. It’s not that she’s a disappointment to me, it’s just that from about the time she reached fourteen I have been a disappointment to her. I could imagine how sad she’d look when she heard about my buggered heart, and how she would gaze at me with bewilderment at yet another failure to evade trouble. Then she’d ask me an utterly practical question about something it would never have occurred to me to do, demonstrating to me how weak my grip on the world was. ‘Have you thought of seeing a specialist?’ Not really, dear, I never thought of that. What a clever idea! What a bright young darling you are! You really are indispensable around here. Let me do it straight away. Then she’d walk away with a pained look, muttering snivelling impudence about me. That’s why I talk to her in that sarcastic way. It’s my only defence – feeble and futile, but it’s all I have. What else can I do? Beat her? Talk lovingly to her? Ignore her? Two months before she had walked away from me like that and had thrown this over her shoulder: You can bully me if you like, but it doesn’t prevent you being a failure. My first reaction was to chase after her – if I had been calmer I wouldn’t have bothered – but in any case she was too quick for me.